True to one self

As you walk into the room you find is something like cave drawings all over the wall up to about four feet.  In front of the depictions of primitive life on the planet is a three year old and a box of crayons.  Something is about to snap.  There has been a session or two already with this child about marking on the walls in the past months. 

"Why did you do that?" You ask exasperated.  "I told you…" 

The child looks down at the floor and says quietly, "I don't know."

Fifteen years later, you are driving him home from the police station.  "Why did you drink and drive?  Your car is totaled, you have to get a lawyer and have fines to pay that you cannot afford.  Why, Why, Why."

He looks down at the floor board and says quietly, "I don't know."

There comes a time when forethought shapes action before reaction has too. 

One thing about consistency is we wonder why we did or even do some things again and again.  Thus consistency isn't so good if we do bad things over and over.  Belief in our self is good, but it takes a bit of time to get to whatever that belief is.  There was a time I held myself second to no one.  I always felt that I could do what any other man had done be that physical or mental or both.  Fears and insecurities never has knowingly played a role in the shaping of my life.  But that said, now my mental facilities have diminished mostly in memory, and my six-pack has turned to a keg; I don't hold to such a notion as equality any longer.  I embrace reality.

My challenging of my beliefs came way later in life.  I have found in hindsight that in many ways I was mentally better off with my ridged views of life.  I doubted nothing and certainly didn't challenge what I thought was right.  Tunnel vision and a lack of world perspective that generally comes from education and a desire to be informed left my personality pretty stunted.  I hope it isn't that way now. 

I think everyone has some fear and insecurity.  It's innate.  There are volumes written on the topics.  Basically in my Cliff Notes take on it is I think on a personal level it has to do with what you think of yourself and what you want to project as to the kind of person you want others to think you are.

In the realm of ultimate happiness, it is nearly unattainable.  There are brambles and stones along the way and I think the only measure of ultimate happiness is to die in that state.  There is always something somewhere we are unhappy about even though we could be happy with our self at the same time.  Unhappiness can be a motivator.  I was unhappy over some events due to my lack of education and because I didn't want to experience anything like that again, I went back to school and got educated.

Some people look at life as one test after another.  If so, then being faithful to one self is important to pass those tests but not entirely necessary.  The arsonist just caught after setting a string of fires in Seattle area over the past several months must have believed his test was to keep it up without getting caught.   The young lady in Sandy Hook that took a bullet because she confessed to being a Christian certainly had faith the Lord would receive her with open arms.  That was her last test.  Generally we think of tests as adverse.  They aren't really.  Test take a measure of us and gives us feedback on how we are doing so we can learn from them and take steps to pass the next similar test better.

I'm not big on generalities.  When a person talks about their true path what is that?   Some people are inspired to follow a specific noble path to notoriety and those that particularly tread the path that lessens the suffering of others is lauded.  Most of us are not like that.  Sister Teresa took such a path and never ask for the notoriety.  It just came.  I don't think she died happy, there were still many that needed her and others like her.  A soldier that returns maimed from a conflict and is awarded the Medal of Honor didn't think when he or she choose that path that was going to happen.  We recognize their sacrifice on our behalf and the behalf of others.  They don't ask for it.

Disintegration of self comes from the manner in which we follow whatever path we get on.  The path isn't so important as to how we tread it.   Over the years I have met, worked with and dealt with many people that didn't wear the right shoes for the path they were on.  We called them misfits.  Many were able to change to a path that fit them and many others languished truly disintegrating physically and mentally.  Why is that?  I think it goes to self-worth.  For instance, in the Navy there are jobs that require an advanced level of intelligence to work in.  The Navy takes these young people trains them for months to years to perfect the work and sends them to a ship.  On the ship they are assigned tasks like compartment cleaner, mess cook, damage control petty officer, boat pocket painter, tiger team member and  host of other things.  In the end, they don't do the job the Navy spent hundreds of thousands of dollars training them on for anywhere from six months to a year and a half.  The irony isn't lost on them.  Many of these people get in to trouble, act out because their heightened sense of intelligence tells them that it makes no sense.  They have not yet matured enough to handle the oxymoron. 

In time it is good to grow into the strong mighty oak, glad of our place, confident and at peace with ourselves.  We will be pleased with what we've accomplished and resolved with our failures.  Early in life I think it better to be a sapling that can be easily transplanted to an environment that is more suited to us, where the soil is more nourishing and accommodating to roots that strive to sink deep.  If you've had a few times when asked why you did what you did you will have a better response than "I don't know." 

Finally, being an example is important.  There are people that are mentors.  They are the example we strive to emulate.  We hang on their every word and deed.  These people don't always set out to be mentors and don't even think of themselves as such.  Yet, by the way they conduct themselves, the things they say, their views and attitudes made mentors of them.  I for one have had a number of mentors in my life people I've looked up to and as I rose in stature and position I never sought mentorship, but rather as mentioned just to be a good example.  As a leader I never asked anyone to do anything I hadn't done myself or was willing to do.  I showed by example that conversation and work could be accomplished without cursing, recreation could be enjoyed without drinking and getting drunk.  That caring and patience weren't weakness.  How successful was I?  Guess we'll see how many come to look me up when they get to heaven.

Be the person you want others to think you are and rest falls into place.